video games are the ultimate cock blocker
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
