Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
