giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
