Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
