I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize