I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
