Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
