I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
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