weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
