from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize