Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
