$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
