The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
