So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
We're too hungover to prance.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize