so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
