Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
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