vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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