you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
