Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
where does the pee come out of this thing
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
This baby is an asshole
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Randomize
