what if every blade of grass was a penis?
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Randomize
