I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
