His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
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