Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Boobs speak an international language.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
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