I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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