did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
