no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Randomize
