I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
