Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
