Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
whose ass print is on the piano?
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
