btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
