can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
