You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
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