What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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