Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I need a burrito and a hug.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
