if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
