my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize