why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
