Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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