never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Randomize
