Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I have fence marks all over my body
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
