Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Randomize
