Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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