Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Randomize
