plz talk dirty to me
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Randomize
