Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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