I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
