So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
