You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
