i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
