apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
