She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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