I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
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