she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Randomize
