I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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