You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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