My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
