please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
