we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize