it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize