Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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